Eric J. O'Denius'
Plot Summary: Young Chenjesu learn about the do's and dont's of first contact.
[Cue Music. It's been years since I've last seen it; all I can do is sort of hum the theme, so you, the reader, are quite fortunate indeed.]
Brzzzkzz: "Good morning, kids! Today's very special show is a comparison of Good Means and Poor Means of contacting other species.
[Turns to face other camera]
"Our species has a long history of communication with other sentients. But most other races are not so fortunate. Consider the most recent aliens who discovered they were not alone, the Humans."
"One very good tip before contact is to monitor their transmissions. A Subtle Hint that contact might be cause panic can easily be found here."
[Clip from ID4 ... the scene where the Hostile Aliens are applying modern Urban Renewal concepts to New York City.]
"Primitive entertainment industry, is it not? Yet one can easily see that this race is egotistical, paranoid, ingenious, and definitely not leaning toward Calm Philosophical Discourse above all other things."
"What would you do, in the situation to be pictured? Kzzak, Zzzzz, and myself were recently asked to consider what method would be best to tell them that aliens do indeed intend to enslave or kill them. But first, this message."
Announcer: "ATN, the Arilou Telepathic Network, presents another exciting episode of 'Would You Like Fries With That?' Tonight's Being to Beat: Faffywaffy!"
Faffywaffy: "Around the rock, behind the Dreadnought, between the fighters, through Hyperspace, back around the planet, right past the stars, zigzag past the photon bolts, bounce back off the Dreadnought, push into planet, nuttin' but dust."
Announcer: "Blink once, and you miss it all! 'Would You Like Fries With That?'" Threeday at 2000 Standard. Only on ATN."
[Pictures of Druuge spaceyard. Pictures of merchandise. Picture of fuel tanks. Think 'annoying used car commercial.']
Kaapo: "Krazy Kaapo here! We've lost our lease and everything must go! Rosy Spheres, Wimbly Tridents, and other exciting Precursor artifacts and oddments! Everything must go!
"Fuel from S10 [sentients] per 20! Two for one!
"This used Mauler! Used only by a little old lady who only threw crew members in the fire on Onesday! Was S100, now S75!
[Screen picture breaks up. Picture of Melnorme.]
Greenish: "Good evening. I'm Commander Greenish, also head of the Intergalactic TV Standards. It has come to our attention that a commercial has slipped past the bounds of any decent taste. We have therefore pulled it.
"We would remind the Druuge that your bill is 30 days overdue, and that this is the last time we send you any 'friendly reminders' about undercutting our fuel prices.
"Next time, Krazy Kaapo gets sent back in 37 individual vac-sealed jars. As the Earthmen say, Comprende?
"Oh, and in case you get any ideas, we might just send him back intact and alive, too. We now return to 3-2-1 Contact, already in progress."
[We see that we are clearly back on Earth. It looks like the opening clip from "The Terminator."]
Zzzzzz: "Oops! Looks like we botched that one!"
Kzzzzak: "Maybe opening our gun ports as a sign of peace and openness wasn't such a good idea." [Gee, for all that talk about monitoring Earth broadcasts, and they totally miss wildly popular sci-fi shows of the 1990s!]
Brzzak: "Hey! I just found this old Earth show where a ship that did that started an interstellar war!"
Zzzzzz: "Now he tells us. Well, we've just flushed any chance for an alliance against the Ur-Quan ... and caused a sentient race to get wiped out ... and probably have sown the seeds for the triumph of the forces of evil everywhere."
Kzzzzak: "Does this mean we're not gonna get promoted?" [Just because Chenjesu as a race are smarter than any other ... doesn't mean that all of them are rocket scientists.]
Brzzzak: "Well, kids, what do YOU think? Discuss this with your parent crystalline source. Next week: the morals of uplifting: Yehat responsible for those crazy Shofixti and their kamikaze death machines: We're glad they're on our side."
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Last Update: October 19, 1999